I was listening to the Flexible Neurotic Podcast this morning, Episode 65 "Midlife Mirror Mirror on the Wall... Who am I after all?" I felt all of this in my soul! If your midlife woman, struggling with this thing called the pause, whether it pre, peri, or full blown meno, she is worth a listen.
It got me thinking, I hit the big 50 a couple months back, and I have been on the peri struggle bus for what seems like an eternity now and I have just been in a complete funk for lack of a better term. My son is soon to be 18 and graduating, I recently started a new job, and I just feel a sense of being lost at sea! I have struggled with weight gain, and feel like a tired blob of crap most days anymore, and have no sense or feel of purpose. You hear all these people who know what they want to do in life and have all this passion. Like am I a failure because I don't have this? I am 50 and don't feel like I have found my calling in life. Is that normal? Does every woman struggle with these feelings of feeling lost at sea with no direction or purpose, or is it just me? After my son goes off to college then what? Hubby and I just wander around the house empty nesters? Will this funk ever go away? The dark cloud of feeling sick and tired of just feeling sick and tired?
After listening to the pod cast and her talking about the bundle of shit that is the 'pause' I know that I am not the only one. I see women who seem to have it all together it is nice to know there is at least one woman who had the same feeling as me. Between work, being wife, mom, dishes, laundry, grocery shopping, bill paying, cleaning, cooking, and all the other million tasks on the daily where is the time to just do shit for me? And why is it when we are down and out we still feel like we have to do it all? when does someone step in and say 'here let me carry this torch for a while you look tired'? I'll tell you never! In the real world anyway. Nobody is going to come in and save us, it is up to us to save ourselves from the hustle and bustle of life and learn that it's ok if that laundry piles up another day, or there is dust on the coffee table!
In the podcast she talks about looking in the mirror and seeing us as who we are as we reach midlife. Who we were in our 20's is not who we are as we reach our 40's and 50's. I know life changes and there are moments that define us and make us rethink who we are and all we have done up to that point! So what is it like to be ok with the muffin top, the gray hair and the wrinkles? What is it like to feel ok with being hot and miserable and pissed off because some idiot cut you off in traffic or didn't use a turn signal, I mean come on how hard it is? Its the lever right at your finger tips flip it one way or the other you dumbass! But I digress, The hormones and the things your body goes through during the pause is something no class, doctor, or the helping friend can truly prepare you for. The entire aging process really! Like why does my body hurt so damn bad when I sit wrong or move the wrong way? Traction for a week after sleeping the wrong way!
How do we navigate the waters that lie ahead on the road of midlife? How do we come out the other side not feeling like we just survived the zombie apocalypse? What works for Sue down the street or Mary on Instagram just isn't working for me, why not? What the hell is wrong with me, why do I feel like this and what will help me feel better? I have been stuck in this cycle for some time. I had some clarity around February when I went to a new doctor and she prescribed me this little pill called Adapex, like where did all this energy come from? Man I am telling you I felt like a million bucks! That joy did not last long though, while I lost almost 40 pounds and felt amazing that drug is one you can't be on long and that magic carpet was sadly ripped out from under me and back to feeling like total shit in just a matter of weeks, and almost 10 pounds regained!
So here I am depressed, down, and just at a loss. The struggle is real I tell ya! Mirror Mirror on the wall who is Wendy after all? Like I have all these big ideas and get all excited and then fizzle out like that bum firecracker on the 4th of July! I've tried the fads, the diets, you name it I have probably tried it. Spend an obscene amount of money on dumb shit that never works, you know the 'next best thing' and 'guaranteed results' yea great gimmicks for the desperate mid lifer looking to feel better and lose the FUPA that is growing by the day there buddy! Long gone is hot girl summer and party all night and get up and do it all over again, now it takes me a week of recovery after a night of margaritas with the girls and in bed at 10 pm! And how many times have I told myself if I only knew then what I know now!
But I am determined to take this midlife bull shit by the horns and conquer it once and for all! I know I am not 20 and I can't do what I used to, what I need to learn is forgiveness of myself for not being it all! I need to have some grace and know it's ok to only do what I can do. The FUPA is there, I can tame it, but I am not giving up wine or chocolate for it to completely go away! Long gone is the hair dye to cover the gray, honestly that was the easiest decision I ever made, thanks to the new fad of beautiful gray hair, lol. The wrinkles around the eyes, wisdom of a life lived, and purpose? Well I have yet to truly understand that, I know that what I do have now is pretty damn good! I have created a child who never ceases to amaze me daily, a husband who is not perfect by any means, but we have a great life and home, amazing friends who I know that when we are together fun is going to be had, and a good job, while it may not be my purpose in life, it gives me an opportunity to enjoy life, food on the table, a roof over my head and whatever new fad I may stumble across in hopes that I will lose the FUPA with this drink... lol..
So I guess the point to all of this is to let you know that where you are in life may not be where you want to be, or where you want to go, but it is where you are meant to be in this time in your life. Midlife is an opportunity, some people are not as fortunate to make it this far, some don't have what you may have, and some may have more. What we need to learn is grace, forgiveness, and to just be thankful for where we are and all that we have! Life is never perfect, and never will be, but we choose how we see it, how we embrace it, and how we live it. There is no script, no guide book to this thing called life, things may seem dark and gloomy now but they won't be that way forever. I need to remind myself of this as well. When I look at that mirror who is Wendy? I am a wife, mom, homemaker, friend, and professional and a million other things, I am far from perfect, but I am thankful that I am where I am! I have thought about my passion in life a lot, especially lately and if I can help inspire, motivate or help one person along my journey then I call that a win!
So here's to midlife and all that comes with it, the good, the bad and the ugly! Embrace it, enjoy it, and ride the wave to see where it takes you!
Stay blessed, grateful, and thankful for the life you have!
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